What a disappointing day. Today, I am disappointed with....
...
myself. I can't believe myself. What an asshole. How can I grow up to be such an asshole?
First, I was so pissed with my this one colleague yesterday. So pissed that I fumed and kept flaming the fire of anger within me. Hmm, this shows how easy I can be "controlled" by others. A little bit of insult will make me feel angry and can't concentrate on anything else the whole day (though well, it's been a long time since this happened). Where the hell did my emotional control gone to? Where the hell did my patience ran to? *sigh*
Conclusion (after much thought and reflection) : I'm gonna forgive and forget (not totally forget *evil grin*) her. I will not let her be in control of me anymore. Whatever she do or say will not influence my actions and/or emotions. I do not need her, nor anybody else's approval to feel good about myself. Why she did so or say that was probably her habit, and probably it's grown out of some kind of instability in her life (i.e. attention-deprived) and instead of being angry at her, I should sympathize with her. I shouldn't let this small thing govern my life. If I had like confronted her or warned her that I don't like what she's doing, it'll just show that I'm giving in to this weakness of mine (letting other people control my life). Instead, I should learn to deal with it, as I'm sure this won't be the first person doing this to me. If I expect myself to meet so many people in the future, I might as well learn how to handle these kind of situations :)
Second, I lost my temper today :(........... *sad face*. I'm so disappointed. Where the hell did my emotional control go again? Hmmm. Probably this is induced by my emotional volatility yesterday, but again, this shouldn't be an excuse. I should never have lost my temper in the first place. It's like this.. I was lining up to get some food, prison-style (hehehe *evil grin again*) at a food stall nearby. While lining up, this one girl just cut the queue in front of me. I was stunned. How could a girl be so impolite? (Aren't they angels?) I was going to get my plate of white rice when she cut the queue, sneak in front of me, took the plate and look in front without glancing at me. To stress it again, I was stunned. I didn't know what to do, whether to just leave her there, forget about it or whether I should do something about it.
Well, my conscience got the better of me, therefore I said (to note here, in a very friendly manner), "err, excuse me, miss, i think the queue is behind there". She turned and said "huh? i thought u're getting the other food". (there's another queue beside us, but it was obviuos that it's entirely a different queue. even if it wasn't obvious, she could've realized her mistake, apologized and line up behind us, but noooooooooooooo.......) I said, "no miss, we're lining up for the rice.." (still friendly) and then she got visibly angry and just threw her plate (yes, with the rice in it) on top of a stack of plates at the side of us and stormed off. Again, I was stunned. I was expecting a sweet girl apologizing, and go line up behind us (us = me and my colleagues, 3 of us) like what she should have done in the first place. It turned out that I was totally wrong. Probably she's having PMS, but that's another topic altogether. Having PMS doesn't give any girl the license to piss anybody off, especially me. hehe
Anyway, everybody was looking, and you can guess how insulted I felt. I wonder if people would think that I was bullying this girl over here. Whatever, I just ignore the incident and continue taking my food, and paid at the counter, along with my drink. That's when one of the waiters came to us and told me, "she is angry at u.. she said.." and before she could continue.... much to my disappointement, I erupted. Krakatoa can lose to me, trust me. I was literally shouting at the waiter, "what the hell? she's angry at me? now why would she be angry at me? she's the one who's cutting the queue! where is she??". I began looking around for her, looking at where the waiter is pointing at. A guy sitting beside her stood up and came to me, looking fierce (i didn't think he looked fierce, but my colleague said he looked fierce). First sentence out from him is "what's the problem with you?". I was like "I have no problems at all, what's the problem with her?". I extended my hands to him (I will still in eruption mood, looking very very *very* pissed, just literally slammed my plates on the table), introduced myself, and asked him to sit down.
Now, the reason why I do all this even when I'm angry, rather than shouting at him, is because he's not involved, he's probably sent over without knowing the whole situation. He began to accuse me of screaming at her at the queue (which I definitely didn't do, in fact I was being polite, she was the one throwing the plate in front of everybody), but I cut him short and I said "you heard her version of story, now u listen to my version of story and weigh both sides" very agitatedly. I still can't believe I was so agitated. I should've been very professional and said it calmly, but much to my disappointment, I didn't. Anyway, to continue the story, he continued to accuse me of screaming at the girl at the queue when I said "No, you got it wrong. I didn't scream at her. you ask my colleague. My colleague said (with professionalism, which I hope to achieve everytime I'm in a confrontation) "Yes, he was being very polite. I saw the whole thing". I told him that I felt so insulted when she threw the plate just like that, in front of me, in front of everybody else. And I felt even more insulted when she complained to other people it was my fault when I was being so polite in the first place. (not to mention the fact that her getting other people involved in this is already so insulting. if you have problem with me, deal with me yourself) After that, things went in a blur, but what I can remember is that I was agitated in the whole situation, which again, is very disappointing. But after that, we shook hands, the guy went back and the story ends like that. Sorry to disappoint you, but there was no fight. nyahahah *hikaru laugh*
Just a note, I think that the girl said I screamed at her because the waiter went to her asking for compensation for breaking the plate(s). So I think that she was trying to put the blame on me, and created the whole imaginary situation that I screamed at her, making her colleagues pissed off at me. Bitch. (sorry about that, no offense to the female readers)
I just hope that in the future, whenever there's a confrontation story, it would be of me handling it with professionalism. Not losing my cool. However, there is this one story that I read before, about a snake in a village, a very fierce snake. This snake is so fierce, it hisses at everybody that comes near it, and it did bad things like killing people, stealing food, making the villagers afraid of it. One day, a very prominent monk went to the snake. The snake hisses at the monk but the monk didn't show any sign of fear. The snake was amazed and slowly they chatted. The monk found out that the snake has a very short temper, and its life is not peaceful at all. There's some more to this part but I can't really recall it. Anyway, the monk said to the snake "why don't you stop doing bad things? you will feel more peaceful". The snake was so intrigued by the idea, that it agreed to be nice to everybody. After 2 years, the monk returned and saw the snake, very skinny and in a very bad condition. The monk asked, "what happened to you, snake?". He found out that the snake actually stopped doing bad things, but after that, children started taunting it and throwing stones at it. The monk then said, "My friend, I asked you to stop doing bad things but I didn't ask you to stop hissing."
Hmm, it has a point, doesn't it? Makes you think twice about not losing your temper ;)
